The Bakers: Back and still not giving a damn about one another

So last time Becky was getting half naked in front of her parents and kid, Svetlana was picking up the slack with Topher, and Heathcliff was fucking off to go fishing every day.

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For some stupid reason I decided that I wanted Becky to have another kid and dump it on her parents, so she had to meet a guy.  I would have got her back with her ex, but according to the family tree and her relationships she didn’t have an ex, and her kid Topher just materialised out of nothing, as he doesn’t have a father listed.

Anyway, I got her to meet Geoffrey Landgraab.  They met at a party, he was the only guy there that didn’t look 100% douche.  So she danced with him.  That’s nice.

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I sent Becky to this party thinking that she would get some food because she was hungry, and man…it’s a party, you get food in these places.  There was none.  So, I told Becky to go and make some food for everyone to share.  This cray-cray cow freaked out at Becky cooking in someone else’s house.

I love their ideas of what is socially acceptable and what isn’t.

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“Jesus guys, it’s just a fucking salad.”

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While Becky was out dear Topher was at home being “looked after” by his grandparents.  There was less looking after, and more of them getting jiggy in front of him.  I think he sicked up in his mouth a bit.

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Still in a bid to get away from bringing up someone else’s kid Heathcliff would now go out fishing and then dumpster diving.  Living the dream man, living the dream.

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Just before Becky was about to get jiggy with Geoffrey her father got electrocuted by the TV and wandered around the house half naked.  WHAT A WAY TO MAKE AN IMPRESSION.  It’s only marginally worse than the fact that Becky made dinner for Geoffrey: grilled cheese sandwiches.

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“Fuck off Dad.  I’m trying to get some!”

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While his mother was getting some, and his grandfather was slightly singed Topher became a teenager.  I can only imagine how much therapy he is going need.

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“Just a bad prawn guys, honest.  I couldn’t possibly be pregnant!”

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And so it begins.  Topher’s odd upbringing seems to be on show now.  I wouldn’t really call that a professional face painting job that you paid §50 for.  That looks more like you smeared some kale over your face.

The Sims 3: Basic Bitching Bakers

So,  last time Becky had dumped her kid on her elderly parents to become a world class podium polisher.  Charming.

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Having not created this family and knowing nothing about Becky’s parents, I have to wonder where she got her classiness from.  I have never, in my near 30 years sat on the toilet in order to eat or drink something.

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Basic Bitch is at work, so her mother teaches her kid to walk.  I seriously made sure that Becky didn’t interact with her son at all.  Neither did Heathcliff in truth because I sent him out of the house permanently fishing.  Oh yeah, you can see in the corner there that their sofa has gone.

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Even if it was pissing down, hailing, and sometimes an electrical storm going on Heathcliff would be out there trying to catch the perfect fish.  He never got one, but there’s no harm in trying I guess.  Gets you out of the shithole that is home.

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Becky even missed her kid’s birthday because she was too busy polishing podiums so her mother had to do it.

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Fuck me.  The family tree doesn’t show this kid’s father but if it did, I think he would be ashamed.

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I don’t know why I included this picture.  She’s wearing a stupid dress and about to fall over with a random stranger.  Well done.

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Becky can just fuck right off.  First it was the smoke bomb next to the hot dog stand, now she sets off a full on fucking firework.  Jesus Becky.

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Heathcliff is so desperate to get away from his house, his Basic Bitch of a daughter and the screaming brat that he’s taken to fishing in the graveyard.  Good on you, Heath.  Enjoy the peace for now.  You’ll be a resident in there soon.

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I don’t know.  I just, don’t know.  She shares a room with her parents and kid, and she sleeps half naked.  I just…I don’t even.

Back soon with more.  It really does get better.

The Sims 3: Moving on to The Bakers

So, it’s been a while since I’ve done anything about The Sims 3, yeah?  In fact, it’s been years and that’s largely because over the past few years I haven’t had time to play much.  Now I’m considering getting The Sims 4 (quite why I didn’t do that while I was off sick I don’t know) so I wanted to have one last little foray into the world of The Sims 3.  If I do get The Sims 4 any time soon then I might just do a few videos as that seems to be the cool thing to do now instead of picture stories.

This story is going to be brutally honest, I will not censor my language with the pictures or the story.  If you don’t like it, you know what to do.

baker001Meet The Bakers.  These guys were a pre-made family in the game and they were described as being something like a retired couple whose daughter moved back in with them with her son, so will her bratty little kid ruin their retirement?

Their names are damn special.  Heathcliff, Svetlana, Becky and Topher.  Topher.  Seriously guys.  Call your kid Christopher or not at all.  They didn’t have much money, which was the way I liked it because Becky’s parents were “retired” (read as lazy-fucks).

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One of the first things they did after moving in was go to the summer festival where Mother and Daughter took each other on at an eating competition.

baker003I think Becky won this one.  Her ever charming mother can be seen here puking up in the foliage.

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Heathcliff, despite his advancing years decided to try rollerskating.  What a douche.  He could break a hip or something.

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I think we’ll learn as we go on that Becky is just a basic bitch.  Here she used some festival tickets, bought a smoke bomb and dumped it next to the hot dog stand.  Keepin’ in real Becky.  Fuck you.

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Heathcliff and Svetlana spend a lot of time WooHooing.  They didn’t care who was around (as you’ll see in another post) they just liked to get jiggy.  Careful Heathcliff, you might put your hip out.  Douchebag.

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This is just about the only family picture of them you’ll ever see.  I decided that Becky the Basic Bitch was going to dump her kid on her parents and go and get a high flying career.  So they all went out together once, took a picture and that was it.  Becky never spoke to that little scrote Topher again.

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Svetlana had to now take care of Becky’s crotch-nugget, she had to potty train him, teach him to walk and talk, play with him, feed him.  She could often he heard in the halls of the house saying “Fuck you Becky, I had a life before this.”

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Wahey!  They’d been in the house about three days and some fucking burglar comes by.  This guy stole their sofa.  Their shitty §200 sofa and that was it.  Oh yeah, you can see Becky sharing a bedroom with her parents – I bet she loves hearing them getting their sexytimez on.

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I had to force Becky to get up when the burglar broke in.  She didn’t even notice.  Basic Bitch.  She called the cops (I made her call the cops) and then instead of being freaked out about it, she started telling the cop how amazing she was at polishing podiums.  Oh yeah, she’s in her pants too, nothing like letting everything hang out in front of the law.

Next part coming soon because this lot are gold.

Welcome. Welcome to City 17.

“You have chosen, or been chosen, to relocate to one of our finest remaining urban centers.”  Were the slightly haunting first words as the pictures appeared on the screen.  You appeared to be on a train but you didn’t know where you were going until you heard Dr. Breen’s voice.

It’s been 10 years – 10 years today – since Half-Life 2 was released.  One of the best games in video gaming history and it feels as though it has stood up to the test of time.

When you start the game you’re dropped into this dystopian world of City 17 where people live effectively as slaves of the Combine.  All of this is the fall out from the original Half-Life, which you as the lead character Gordon Freeman, are effectively part responsible for.  Now you’re doing your best to survive and find the handful of other people left over from Black Mesa.  It’s never simple though, is it?  You have to battle all sorts of aliens, people, headcrabs, machines and radiation.

At Christmas in 2004 I purchased Half-Life 2 for someone and sat and watched them play it.  I wasn’t particularly au fait with games in general.  I was in a relationship with someone who was an IT worker and they played a lot of games.  My PC gaming experience extended to Driver, Midtown Madness and The Sims.  I wasn’t wholly sure how I would handle a first or third person shooter, so I was a little reluctant to play them.  I was encouraged to play Max Payne.  I’m so glad I did.  Max Payne is a fantastic game.  It will look rather dated now, but it was the game that brought the world bullet time, and the gameplay was punctuated with stylised comic strips.  Once you could get past the constantly constipated look on Max Payne’s face, you were hooked.

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Having completed Max Payne, and subsequently Max Payne 2, I decided to play the first Half-Life.  Now that is a game that does not stand the test of time.  It looks terrible now, but just remind yourself that it was released in 1998.  That’s 16 years ago.  Half-Life completed and I moved on to Half-Life 2.

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I’ve actually forgotten how many times I’ve played the game through.  It takes forever, and is far more difficult on the xBox 360 than it is on the PC, but it never gets old.  It doesn’t even really look old.  Sure, the rendering is a bit slow, and games no longer do the wonderful “LOADING” thing in the middle of a sequence, making you wait forever.  Half-Life 2 spawned so much from Day of Defeat: Source (which wouldn’t have been possible without the Source engine that HL2 was built on) to Team Fortress 2, and Portal.

HL2 was what turned me into a hardcore gamer.  I racked up thousands of hours on Day of Defeat: Source and Team Fortress 2.  I was a highly ranked medic on TF2.  Eventually life got too busy and I just don’t have time for it much anymore, but do like to pop up on European TF2 servers occasionally.  (Drop me comment if you want to hook up on Steam, and I’ll see what I can do.)

I wasn’t mesmerised by the graphics of HL2 or how realistic the weapons were.  Nah.  Sure, it did and still does look good, and any weapons that are based on real ones I guess are pretty accurate.  For me, it was the story.  It’s the fact that Gordon Freeman never speaks.  He is a silent participant in a dystopian world that he never wanted any part of.  There are no cutscenes to disturb the flow, try to make up time or used as a patch over a hole in the story.  What would people like Ubisoft do without cutscenes now?

The fact that Gordon Freeman didn’t speak means that you are wholly in control of his emotions.  He’s not putting words in your mouth, he’s not influencing how you make decisions or how you feel about your decisions.  All of that is your own and you make those decisions based on your experiences in life and in the game.  That’s powerful.  So many games now manipulate your emotions and decisions using dialogue.  HL2 doesn’t do this.  You are Gordon Freeman and Gordon Freeman is you.

The setting is so bleak that even years later it all stays with you.  I remember going to Frankfurt a good few years after it came out and getting the feeling that I was in City 17 by the way it looked.  I hate the Ravenholm level, and anyone who has played the game will agree it’s a creepy place.  The line spoken in the game “We don’t go to Ravenholm” should have been heeded.  It’s creepy as you like, especially if you’re playing with headphones.  It sticks with you.  Leaper zombies will haunt your dreams after the first time you play it.  The black headcrabs that lurk around each corner will have you on tenterhooks.  And Fr. Grigory?  Well, I never figured if he was truly a friend.

If you’ve never played HL2, please do.  You can buy the game here, or just watch a video of gameplay for a bit of nostalgia.

The game is still relevant today.  As a global society everything is actually quite fragile and I don’t doubt that there are a few world leaders out there who would like to create a dystopia for their own gain.  Half-Life 2 was almost a painting of what widespread Communism could have looked like.  The only people who benefit in those socities are those who are in charge.

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Remember, “The right man in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world.”

Welcome Back

It’s been a while since I did a post relating to The Sims, right?  A very long time.

Life get in the way, and by life I actually mean work mainly.  I just don’t have time to play for the most part.  And then, last month, my PC died.  Totally died.  Died to the point that I had to decide what to sacrifice from it – did I want to keep my 50,000+ photographs, or did I want to keep The Sims?  I chose the photographs.  So on my PC my last set of Sims are no more.  Shame, they were a funny bunch.

I might just go back to The Sims at some point, if I happen to get an excess of time.  But for now, I’ve moved on to something a little bit exciting…

SIMCITY!

Death and destruction at the Ugleh household

Ugleh066I shit you not.  Those fucking idiots managed to set fire to their own house during their toddler’s birthday party.  How?!  With the bloody birthday cake.

Ugleh067Once the sexy fireman had been and put the flames out, everyone carried on like nothing had happened.  What’shisname didn’t even have a tiny bit of soot on his lovely white jacket.

Ugleh068At least she’s excited her kid has grown up, he doesn’t look too enamoured.

Ugleh069Meanwhile, Vereh’s other son is outside murdering her army of snowmen.

Ugleh070What?  I don’t…I just don’t even.  The game decided pretty quickly that these kids were going to become toddlers.  Fair enough, but she apparently has to get into the cot to help this.  Or is she hindering this?

Ugleh071The first one, whose name I cannot remember (I’m not good with names) grew up.  They’ve got really camp names, one of them is Orlando, and the other is…Piers I think.

Ugleh072Both blonde I see.  Just another 80 days of being toddlers, or something that painfully long.  Bring it on, let us see if they are as weird as their older brothers.  Maybe one day she’ll even have a girl!

The Ugleh Children grow up!

Ugleh058Imagine my surprise when she comes out of the damn hospital with twins.  This was a moment of revelation when I recalled that I did actually purchase the fertility treatment thing for both of them.  I was obviously having a dumb week when I did all of this.

Ugleh059Then shit started to go funny again.  My game was running very slow.  Just before this, she was stuck knee deep in the floor of her dining room so I had to reset her, and this is what happened.  I kid you not.  The case of Vereh Ugleh and her very floaty baby.  What’shisname obviously wonders what’s going down.  Oh wait no…he doesn’t, just before they did the midnight flit to have the kid in hospital, he dumped that toddler he’s holding in the snow outside.  Even the babysitter left the little shit out there until they came back.

Ugleh060Yep, she is bench pressing her newborn baby.

Ugleh061Whatever disease it is that one of them had is now spreading.

Ugleh062For a while their lives went on as normal so this is the next big milestone.  Their toddler were (finally) becoming children.  Vereh thought it would be nice to throw a formal party.  Looking at that picture, all is going well.  People are wishing they’d come in disguise, some are being ignored, others are wishing the little shit bags would shut up, and Vereh is trying to endear herself to her ‘step-son’ which she didn’t even know existed.

Ugleh063While one kid gets the party started, the other sits in the background looked stoned out of their head.

Ugleh064Got his father’s face and body, but he’s working on his mother’s eyebrows.  Damn, dey some gooooooooood brow.  Just wait until he’s a teenager, will they get big enough to take over the world?

Ugleh065And now for the second twin.  It appears that not only is there an adult playing with a kid’s toy, but also someone has got naked and left the  clothes in the kitchen and that kid is still stoned out of their skull.

I’m actually going to leave this one right there.  You have to wait for the next installment to find out what happens.  You can probably guess, it’s not…normal.

The Sims 3: Enough with all the weird shit!

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And, so we’re back with the ever charming Ugleh family.  I’ve been having some issues with my game, particularly since installing Seasons (no, don’t blame my PC, I’m yet to meet anyone else who has a six core processor and 8GB RAM).  Some of my problems (read: most) are like the one above.  That kid has issues.

Ugleh051I made my sim’s winter last the full 28 days.  I’ve been playing for a good couple of hours per day by the time I’ve put these images up, and it’s still bloody winter.  So what’s the head of the household going to do?  Go outside and make some hot dogs.  Well done, you’re only knee deep in snow.

Ugleh052This guy loves his kids so much he actually wears gloves to pick them up.

Ugleh053One day I was playing and noticed that their relationship wasn’t looking too hot, so I got them a bit friendly again.  I also completely forgot that choosing “Try for a baby” would mean she’d probably end up up the duff again, which was what I didn’t want.  I went with it any way.  Let’s see how she copes.

Ugleh054Oh yeah.  Shock of my playing this particular day!  The door bell rang…I sent what’shisname to answer it.  Only bloody turns out the person at the door is his son.  I didn’t even know he had a son.

Ugleh055Some shit did actually go wrong with my game in that it wouldn’t save when I tried to exit, so she ended up showing she was pregnant twice.  However many times, this kid can only shudder and think “Dat ass.”

Ugleh056Heavily up the duff?  Why don’t you go and throw yourself on to the ground in freezing weather!  Nothing like a bit of livener!

Ugleh057She rolled this want to make an army of snowmen.  So in the middle of making her army of snowmen she decided it was time to drop a sprog.  Right now, she doesn’t look too bothered by it, but What’shisname does.  I really wanted her to drop the sprog outside in the snow, but she insisted on going to hospital.

What’s next for the Ugleh Family?  How many more kids will she manage to have?!

The Ugleh Children find their true colours

So last time I had managed to pretty much ruin their lives.  Nah, it was only a day where they had to go to work knackered.  Not so bad in the grand scheme of things.  They were miserable for a few days though.  Miserable bastards.

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So the maid is leaving with an umbrella but it isn’t raining.  Vereh’s got fat again and that dressing gown really isn’t flattering.  It appears that Julian there on the left has just found something up his nose and wonders why his father doesn’t want to taste it.

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This is what I mean about the children discovering their true colours.  This was the first time that either Vereh or What’shisname, her Husband, had touched each other in days, weeks even.  Julian notices this and shoots them the most evil look I’ve ever seen a sim child give anyone.  I swear he’s on this sim earth to destroy his parents’ relationship, or there’s simply something very wrong with him.  Watch out for that one.

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I had to build them an upstairs in the end because downstairs wasn’t big enough to have a crapper and a kitchen.  It also meant they didn’t have to listen to their two shit bags scream all night.  I put the TV upstairs to stop the kids watching it.  Then one day I saw something by the TV and it was that fucking gnome.  Watching NFL.

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Vereh appears to have a black seagull on her face.  She also does not look good in a leather catsuit.

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When I reviewed this picture just before uploading it I wondered why she was squatting for a piss in her own garden.  Then I realised that she was weeding a dormant tree.

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Then one day she came back wearing an astronaut costume.  I hope the klepto in her came out and she freaking stole it.

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See that puddle?  Yeah, that’s the overflow from a potty What’shisname, her Husband, couldn’t be arsed to empty before making both of his kids use it.  That potty isn’t even in shot, it’s on the other side of the room.

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I said there was something the hell wrong with that kid.

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Now someone tell me that they think this kid is normal?

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Finally winter came.  I’ve set it as the longest season of all four, based on the fact that our winter in Britain was soul destroying, went on for about six months and caused me a huge amount of personal bother.  This is how winter was heralded to The Sims…the postman turning up in shirt sleeves.  Congratulations.

I hope this family manage to survive winter.

The Ugleh Family become social climbers

So she’s popped out two sprogs.  That’s nice huh?  What else is happening in the world of the very Ugleh family?

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As I said before, the next time he sat on this deck chair it wasn’t so hot.  It was actually summer, but much like a British summer it rained.  This isn’t just rain though, this is hail.  It hailed more than once during their summer.

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It’s clear that Vereh doesn’t care about the weather, or what people might think about her body, the weight of which has been up and down like a whore’s drawers.

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I’m not sure whether I took this picture more for the fact that their treadmill got struck by lightning or because their mysterious gnome is floating over the scene.

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I damn well know why I took this picture.  I sent her outside to tend to her garden, it was only drizzling a bit.  Even Mother Nature thinks she’s such an ugly bastard that she was struck by lightning before she got to bottom of the stairs.

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What’shisname, her Husband, thought it was time to hire a maid.  They had been going through a dry spell since Vereh had the second kid.  Bear in mind that their life spans are set to “Epic” so the helpless baby period lasts for something like a month.  It’s one of the most tedious things I’ve ever done.  I actually got so bored of them being babies I changed the length of their lives just so that I could age up the kids and then changed them back to Epic.

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Yep, that crotch nugget right there, called Julian for the record because it was the campest name I could think of at the time, has crossed eyes.  Epic win.

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So does his camp little brother Vincent.  Just what I was hoping for.  As they both aged up on the same day they’re more like twins which I wasn’t really aiming for, but sure makes things easier when each stage of their life takes longer than a human life span.

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As the kids were now old enough to look after themselves the happily married couple ventured out for Spooky Day.  I don’t really think they’re old enough to look after themselves, and I’m sure their mother doesn’t either, they did actually hire a babysitter.  Vereh looks intrigued by the haunted house.  I sent her in, unfortunately she didn’t wet herself in fear.

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What’shisname, her Husband, showing off the latest trend in body art, right there.

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This image just about epitomises their life.  This was the day after Spooky Day.  They decided to stay out until 2am and were utterly wrecked.  Their kids had been with the babysitter all night, they hardly had any sleep.  The kids were hungry and had shit themselves, all everyone did that day was bitch and moan about stuff they could have prevented by being responsible adults and actually staying at home.

Oh, who am I kidding.  I kept them out half the night to ruin their day!