Want to achieve? Become a Temper!

Previously, various members of the Temper clan have been physically abusing people in public places and attemping to start divorce proceedings.

Everything in life, achieved so early

Back here I mentioned that Marlon had the lifetime wish to have 13 different species of perfect fish in an aquarium.  While he was still a young adult he achieved this.  It helped that he didn’t have a job.  After achieving this, and you can see he is in his aquarium here, he joined the Military.

This is just...sickening

Say hello to Bobbie.  Isn’t that a nasty sight?  Hot pants do not suit him.

Mercury met a girl

Too damn right.  After finding his chin, which was nestled among some dirty laundry in his room, he met a girl.  She was also called Temper.  That’s when I remembered, she will be related to someone very early in the Temper dynasty: Methusela.

Marlon catches the holy grail of fish

Despite having a job in the Miliary, Marlon still keeps up his fishing.  He finally caught a perfect specimen of the holy grail of fish: the deathfish.

Alex becomes older, fatter

I think Alex is going to have to go on a diet guys, she looks a lot bigger than she needs to be.  I chose her lifetime wish to become a big politician.  She’s now in the political career.

Last moment of innocence

This was taken seconds before Jeremy entered the hedonistic world of teenagehood.

Mercury's gonna get the girl?

At Jeremy’s party Mercury is still putting the moves on this girl/relative.

Finally! I like the death part!

Finally.  TFFT.  I am so glad this prick has died.  He was beginning to piss me off, and he’d been hanging around for so long that I thought he’d never die.  He couldn’t even get home to die, instead he just died outside the door to his work place.  Epic WIN!

With Taurus gone, Elaine moves in a younger man.

After Elaine become an elder she rolled the want to have another baby.  With a space that’s just opened up in the family due to the death of Taurus, she could adopt a kid.  She adopted a boy child, who I called Fin.

Nooooo!

Just as I was about to get Mercury to impregnate that Temper girl from the other side of the neighbourhood, he ages into a young adult.  Boo hiss!  The mod which enables relationships across age groups conflicted in my install so I can’t use it.  Balls.  Better luck next time.  Anyway, he joined his brother Marlon in the Military, after I’d given him some more hair.

Waxing Lyrical: Assassin’s Creed II

A thing of beauty

Once upon a time I played Assassin’s Creed.  It was good.  It was very good, but there were many things wrong with it.  Don’t misinterpret me here, there are always many things wrong with games but Assassin’s Creed had some absolute killers going on.  In fact, the controls were so bad in some aspects, as was the fighting, that I never finished the game.  Yep, that’s correct, I never finished it so I have no idea what happens at the end (and never will because the game was loaned to me).  The furthest I got was fighting a load of Templars in a circle right near the end of the game.  The fighting dynamics and controls for it were so hammy that I had to quit because of the pain in my hands.  The tasks were repetitive (anyone else remember the constant pickpocketing and saving of citizens who seemed to have a vocabulary solely limited to “Please, won’t someone help me?”)  The assassinations themselves didn’t always work properly, and the cut scenes?  Hell, the cut scenes were so boring I would make Altair spin in circles on the spot just to pass the time.  Also, don’t get me wrong over another element: Assassin’s Creed was a thing of beauty.  It was the first game I had seen which worked in quite the same way – you climb high buildings simply to look around at the stunning scenery.  It was a thing of beauty.

But Assassin’s Creed II?  It is a thing of epic beauty.

Epic beauty guaranteed

You play Ezio Auditore who finds out, almost by accident, that he’s part of this elite group of Assassins.  That’s what I call a good day at the office.  As per the original Assassin’s Creed he has to assassinate a number of other people before he gets to his big prize at the end.  I won’t spoil it for you, but the person he takes out at the end is pretty important.  There are all sorts of other things he can do, he doesn’t just have to mercilessly kill.

I’m going to get the bad things about it out of the way first.

1) Sometimes the controls for climbing suck.  You can be merrily climbing up a wall at great speed and suddenly Ezio will stop.  If you’re lucky then it’s not at an important moment and you won’t be brought back down to earth with a thump because guards are throwing rocks at you.  Or you can be going up a building but you’ve moved the controller stick half a millimeter in one direction and he throws himself off the building to certain death.  Yeah, all that sucks a bit.

2) Most of the missions are optional, but those that aren’t really can suck.  There’s a part in Venice during the Carnivale when you have to complete four games.  One of those is a capture the flag.  The comments above about the controls and climbing are relevant here.

3) Glyphs.  They are optional, like a lot things in this game but worth doing if you want the gamerscore points.  They are puzzles.  I don’t really do puzzles.  They’re okay if you like that kind of thing which I think a lot of gamers do, but they can be rather frustrating.

4) While the Assassin’s Tombs are also optional, they’re worth doing if you want gamerscore points and the armour of Altair.  They are also the biggest bitch in the game.  They are puzzles.  You end up in a building, you’re shown a cut scene which gives you, in effect, directions for how to get there.  You’re only shown this once so you have to remember.  It requires a lot of climbing and a lot of accurate jumping.  There’s one particular tomb that made me want to cry.  It involved a lot of water and a strict time limit, oh yes it’s the tomb in Santa Maria Delle Visitazione.  If you’re having trouble with any of the tombs then take a gander at the videos by the YouTube user zwoooooosh – they are especially helpful if you can’t remember where to go or keep failing at certain points.

And now the good.

1) Geez, this thing is so pretty.  It kind of helped that we got an HD TV (a proper one) shortly after we got the game.  The towns are huge and I mean huge, especially Venice.

Venetian Guard's "WTF face?!"

2) Killing works properly.  You can accurately execute an airborne assassination – just get above your intended victim, lock on to them and press X while Ezio does the rest for you.  You can even do double assassinations which are helpful if you have a pair of guards.  It also seems to happen if you’re in a group of enemies.  You can properly assassinate people while hanging below them which is most helpful over water or if you don’t wish to be detected.

Hydrophobia no more!

3) Water does not kill you.  Yes, you read that right: you can now jump into water and you will not die.  Remember those times when you accidentally (because of the sucky-sucky control system) fell in to the rivers in the middle east in Assassin’s Creed I?  When you were just out to get all of those flags, some of which were on posts in the rivers, and you fell off into the water?  Death was instantaneous, and infuriating.  No longer!  You can swim, hell you can even gracefully dive into the rivers.

I score him a perfect 10

4) You can hire prostitutes.  Yep, you see in this game you get money so that you can buy weapons, armour, upgrades to weapons and armour.  You can also hire prostitutes, mercenaries and thieves to allow you to get on with your dirty deeds without being caught by guards that are hanging around.  The mercenaries will fight with guards, the thieves will run all over the place being chased (they’ll even climb buildings if you need them to) and the hos will wiggle their arses at the guards.

5) The cut scenes are so much better.  They aren’t just one old guy in a cassock talking to you while you spin around on the spot.  Instead they are proper cinematic scenes done with the in-game engine (as you’ll tell by the fact that Ezio is always wearing the right clothing with the correct weapons when you watch them).  They add a much better element to the game than the cut scenes in the original.

6) You’ve got a little gay friend.  His name is Leonardo Da Vinci, and there’s a bit of gay innuendo in some of the things that he says, but sometimes he’s pretty entertaining.  The rest of the time he’s pretty annoying.  He does however have the flying machine for you to use.  Whatever you do, do not copy me when you get your first go.  I faceplanted his flying machine into the roof of the next building along after take off.  It was spectacular, in the same way that my xbox gaming is spectacularly bad.  How ever I got to a gamerscore of almost 10,000 is beyond me.

7) There are no mentals and drunks!  Well, actually, I’m not entirely sure.  I’ve seen a few people sat around with bottles so I think that there might be a few drunks but they don’t behave like the drunks or mentals in the original game.  The mentals, even if you were keeping a low profile, you come along and thump you.  This gave you away to guards and could completely ruin what you were doing.  You could kill them and it wouldn’t really have any consequences unless you were seen.  In Ass Creed II you can’t kill civilians (well you can, but if you kill three then you desynchronise), but you don’t need to worry about that as there are no lunatics taking over the asylum.

8 ) For a short bit of gameplay you become Altair again.  Yep, I believe you’re taken back to Acre (maybe, my memory is hazy) for a short, but rather odd, bit where Desmond is hallucinating.  Climb to the top of a tower, things go down, and shortly there after you’re back in the room.  I think Desmond says WTF? at this point, and I don’t blame him.  For all of the things that were wrong with Ass Creed I, it’s nice to drop back into it with the scenery and music.

9) It’s just waiting to be made into an epic movie.  I say that because this game is so polished and cinematic.  I know that other game to movie converts have sucked (ever seen Doom?  Oh geez, I still want those two hours of my life back.) but I think this one could win.  Keanu Reeves would make a perfect Altair, Ezio and whomever else comes along.  They never say much, so it’s perfect for Reeves.  Hell, they could probably do it in game and no-one would realise it wasn’t real.  The physics and graphics engines for this game work so well together.  It all looks so good, dare I say so real?

10) The music.  If you thought that the music in Ass Creed I was good (as I did) then the music in this is better.  This time it’s done with a proper orchestra instead of entirely synthesised.  It’s still done by Jesper Kyd, but it’s still damn good.  I recommend you download it from Amazon.  I hope for big things for Mr. Kyd.

I can’t wait for the third (and probably final) installation of The Creed.  I hope it’s just as good as the second.  This thing is so beautiful it deserves to go down in history.

Come Josephine in my flying machine

Take a walk on the Temper side

Elaine had surprise baby number six last time we were with them.  Now she just has to bring them up.

Elaine shows her age

Pretty much the following day after giving birth to Jeremy (baby number six) Elaine became an elder.  In fact, you can see Jeremy in the crib at the back.

Alex follows suit

The ghostly child Alex became a teenager.  If it wasn’t for the fact that I knew she wasn’t, she looks very clothesless here.

Livi Livi, let's get busy?

I remember this kid’s name now, she’s called Livi and she’s just become a child.  Dear Evil ol’ Bobbie back there looks a bit pissed at that.

Some random stranger helps out Jeremy

One evening, some random stranger comes into the house, puts baby Jeremy on the floor and watches him age up.  It wasn’t a random stranger, no it was Sue.  You know from a while back, the boy named Sue?  Well he helped out Jeremy, but that still doesn’t explain why Jeremy looks very much like a girl here.  I think he’ll have some identity issues later in life.

This kid is called Mercury, yeah Mercury poisioning maybe.

In truth, he seems to be quite a good kid and was named after the Longview album, Mercury.  Here he becomes a teenager, but seems to have left something behind?  I hope he can take bullying on the chin.  Ooops!

Bobbie, put him down, you don't know where he's been!

I deliberately missed out the picture of Evil Bobbie becoming a young adult because he looked like a fatter version of Marlon.  Here he is physically assaulting Sue Temper.  I don’t know what’s up with some of the men in the Temper family but they are so abusive!  I sent Bobbie to the park because he wanted to go.  Next time I pitch up to check on him he is beating the shit out of his uncle…WTF?

Things looks bad in paradise

I always thought that Elaine and Taurus had things going on pretty good.  They seemed stable and Taurus only seemed to get angry with random strangers (so that’s where Bobbie gets it from!), but one day he came home from work and just laid (verbally) into Elaine.  Their row was so bad that their relationship dropped below the 50% mark.  He’s such a bastard.  All those years where she selflessly (*cough, splutter*) brought up his children, and how does he repay her?!

Solving the mystery of Taurus' anger?

Could this be why Taurus is such a hot-headed bastard at the moment?  He’s having a gay phase?  (That boy is Taurus’ boss by the way.)

Good for you Jeremy

Jeremy becomes a child in a haze of sparkles.  This isn’t Twilight, you know?

Livi's a teenager!

And, unlike her brother Mercury who seems to have lost his chin in the transistion between child and teenager, Livi appears to have had her’s thrust forward.  Redneck hick look, anyone?  This also signalled the moment that Elaine completed her lifetime wish.  She had “successfully” raised five children from babies to teenagers.

My Temper overfloweth

So, before now, Elaine had managed to ‘complete’ her family in terms of her lifetime wish.  She had five kids and was raising them from babies to teenagers.  It was going okay, none of them had died.  The most recent one, whose name escapes me still was a girl.

News shock: Kid gets older!

Kid number five becomes a toddler, and she’s probably the more attractive of them all.  The family was now complete, so what would Elaine do with her time?

Taurus had other ideas...

Taurus obviously had other ideas about their family being complete, because he immediately jumped back into bed with Elaine.

Life shock: Toddler becomes child!

Kid number four (I presume) becomes a child.  Yay for him!

Taurus definately had other ideas.

Now Elaine has other ideas too.  Pretty much as soon as she was pregnant she rolled the want “have 10 children”.  Sorry woman, you’re two days away from becoming an elder, so I don’t think that’s very likely.

Alex and body image.

I get the distinct impression that little Alex here, little mini-fatty McBoomBoom, doesn’t havea good body image, as she entered the body shaper to make herself thinner.  I guess having a virtually morbidly obese mother and being rather lardy yourself doesn’t help?

It was no bad prawns.

Yep, the vomiting was not a case of bad prawns, instead Elaine was definately pregnant for a sixth time.

WTF?

Kid number four, the little fat blonde one here, had invited a school friend round.  Pretty much the instant that his friend walked in the door Taurus came along and smacked him across the face for no apparent reason.  Geez, be nice people!

Marlon becomes a young adult

Marlon has finally grown up.  His choice of lifetime wishes included one I’d never seen before, so I chose it.  It was to do with his angling trait and he wants to have 13 perfect specimens of 13 different fish in bowls.  So he now has a dedicated fish outbuilding for all of the bowls!

Time to pop

It was Elaine’s time to pop, for, definately, the last time!  Taurus had recently fulfilled his lifetime wish of getting to level nine of the business career.  The money was rolling in, he could pay for a good doctor.  He took her to the hospital as any good husband and father would.

Leaving hospital for one final time

Elaine leaves hospital with a NORMAL baby one final time.  This little boy was named Jeremy because we had the Top Gear Bolivia Special on TV at the time he was born.

The Fifth Element

Elaine is now at kid number four.  She’s produced 80% of the kids needed to complete her lifetime wish, will she manage the final 20%?

The most recent normal kid becomes a toddler
The most recent normal kid becomes a toddler

Yeah, must be jumping forward a bit here to the most recent normal kid, I think.  Belisha beacon hair.

Can she do it?  YES SHE CAN!
Can she do it? YES SHE CAN!

Pregnant for the fifth time.  I was more worried that her husband wasn’t…potent enough to father another kid.  Seems I was wrong.

Bobbie's a teen
Bobbie's a teen

Or should that be thug?  His Nazi Youth haircut and evil trait do him no favours.

Marlon's in more trouble than a girl is worth
Marlon's in more trouble than a girl is worth

Despite Bobbie being the evil/nasty one, Marlon is the kid who gets into the most trouble.  He likes a bit of danger.

I don't want to hear your yammering, son!
I don't want to hear your yammering, son!

“Git up dem stairs, where Imma whoop yo’ ass, boy”.

Why did I come home so early?
Why did I come home so early?

Bobbie decided to come home from school as soon as it was finished instead of hang out somewhere.  Geez, did he regret it or what when he got there.  He has a small bone of pleasantness in his body though, as he took his Mother to hospital.

The Fifth Element
The Fifth Element

Elaine gave birth to the fifth of her children.  Woo, 100% of the kids you need for that lifetime wish, but only 40% of them have reached teenagehood so far.  Will the others survive long enough?  And no, I don’t recall this kid’s name.

Moving on...
Moving on...

He moved in with his boyfriend and all was well.  It was a little creepy though, this guy lived alone, but one of the rooms of his house was a dedicated nursery.  Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeird.

Alex is a child!
Alex is a child!

Keep standing still girl and you’ll get away with anything.

Things go from bad to worse
Things go from bad to worse

Marlon was caught out by the police, AGAIN.  I guess he didn’t learn from last time.  And Elaine thought that he was her good boy.  *Sigh*.