All I Can Do Is Try...

Things YOU do on public transport that piss me off – Part 3.

Clarice — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 11:51:50 +0000

Bring your children on board.

DING! DING! DING! This will piss people off.

The London Underground is not child friendly. It’s full of thousands of people who just want to get to their end destination, and, frankly, don’t give a damn that you’ve got a little crotch nuggett hanging off your arm like some kind of parasite. No, the Tube is not child friendly. Some people seem to believe that it is.

Those are the kind of people who always seem to have about 5 kids with them, don’t bother staying together, let the kids run around the carriage and generally make an awful lot of noise. I have no time for this. None whatsoever. These people don’t give a shit if their kid pushes commuters by the legs, or that their kid sits there swining their legs whacking you in the shins. Or of course shouting down the carriage, sticking their heads out of the closing doors, yadda…yadda…yadda.

This doesn’t just happen on the tube though. A recent journey from Finsbury Park to King’s Cross proved this. A “family” got on. Two “adults”, two teenagers and two prams with kids in them. The “parents” spent the entire journey “playfully” swearing at the teenagers in full earshot of not only everyone else on board but also their younger children. Then the teenagers started swearing at each other of their own accord. Then they started a physical fight while the “parents” just told them to stop it once or twice. Then the teenage boy decided that the luggage rack was not for luggage, but instead to hang himself from upside down by his feet. Unfortunately the train didn’t have to make an emergency stop. These teenagers are the leaders of tomorrow, people. One day, kids like these will be running our country and making the most important decisions of our lives.

I do appreciate that sometimes you have to get places. But if your kids can’t sit down and shut the fuck up for the duration of the journey, don’t bring them into a very confined space with hundreds of other people. For that matter, don’t let your toddler out of the pram on a station concourse and let them run off. One day your precious little Snowphlake, or whatever “trendy” name you’ve given them will run right onto the third rail while you turned your head for “just a second”. It is no-one else’s responsibility to monitor your child.

Don’t let your kids run around and smash into other people’s legs, or push them over. Or push into queues, or steal things, or damage equipment. Don’t let them near the closing doors, or the pneumatic ticket gates. Fuck, I’ve been stuck in some of those ticket gates and damn they hurt. I can only imagine just how much you would sue Network Rail for if your precious Snowphlake was hit in the face with one because you let them run free.

Pretty much everyone has the same goal when they’re on public transport, and that is to get somewhere. It doesn’t need to hindered by some kid getting their hand stuck in a Tube train door because you weren’t watching them. Falling off a train and onto the platform because you wouldn’t keep hold of them. Being stepped on by someone then screaming the entire train down until everyone would rather put a gun to their head.

More TOCs need to put into place “Quiet Carriages”, like South West Trains have. Ban mobiles, MP3 players and children from them, and you’ve most definitely got a lifelong customer here. I’m not so bothered by the phones and music, I’m only really bothered by the screaming kids.

As for priority seats? Please. Unless you’re old, then having a kid with you is a choice, and I ain’t gonna give up my seat. Sometimes you just don’t know the pain of other people. Why should I give up my seat for someone with a kid, when I can’t get my hip back into its socket?

Things YOU do on public transport that piss me off – Part 2

Clarice — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 10:29:13 +0000

This isn’t a hard one, is it? People eating on trains.

Sure, I’ve had my fair share of sandwiches on public transport, maybe even the odd coffee. But you know what…I always take my rubbish with me. And for this post, I’ve got three examples of eating and ditching on public transport that made my skin crawl.

Regular users of the tube have probably seen the posters that ask people to be more considerate to other passengers, with things like “I won’t put my feet on the seats” and “I won’t play my music loudly”. They seem to have pretty much zero impact. It’s the same with the messages on the Southern Rail services which ask passengers not to play their music loud or shout down their mobile phones. Although, I don’t think Southern Rail help themselves out with their little mascot, Loco Toledo. No Southern, you just make yourselves look a little…ridiculous?

Example One

During a journey on The Victoria Line a couple of weeks ago, I was quite happily sat at one end of a carriage on my own when suddenly another passenger got on. Normally this isn’t an issue. She sat opposite me. I had my headphones in (quietly, I might add, not that you can hear a damn thing on the Victoria Line even with your music really loud), and it was then that I noticed a strange noise. It sounded a bit like someone clicking their fingers. I looked up. This woman who had just sat opposite me was chewing gum with her mouth open and so loud that I could hear it over the noise of the line and my music. She was mashing this thing around her gob like it was going to escape. I wanted to advise her that it wouldn’t run away if she chewed with her mouth closed, and also that it really wasn’t pretty.

How can people do that? Who taught them to eat? Do they sit at their dinner table and do that? Do they eat like that when they go out with friends? Do they eat like that at work? If they eat like that in public, I dread to think what it’s like when they’re alone.

I can’t be the only person who not only finds that a little disturbing, but also somewhat sickening? I do not need to see the inside if your mouth. I also do not need to see the state of whatever is in your mouth, be it food, drink or gum. Nor do I need to hear your saliva glands working overtime to keep that stuff from sticking to your epiglottis. Just. No. Don’t do it. If I can hear you smacking a little square of gum around your embouchement over Irish Blood, English Heart by Morrissey, then there is most definitely something wrong there.

Example Two

A Southern Rail service. This was fun. I got on the service as soon as it pulled into the station. Because it was a metro service they have approximately 8 minutes to turn the service around and it’s already displayed on the information boards what platform it will be on before it has arrived. I get on, I take a seat at a table and I get my book out. A mere few minutes later a middle aged woman in a fur coat appears, forces herself in next to me. Now, I always make sure I leave enough room for other people and don’t have my bags on the other seats, but she still felt the need to push me into the window to sit down. She then proceeded to get out of a bag a massive meal from Wasabi. It was obviously some kind of curry because the smell left me a bit queasy. She began to eat it as the train was leaving the station. Within a few minutes, she had left a load of noodles all over the table, pushed the bag it came in onto the floor deliberately and then, finally, spread her arms out so far across the table that she was actually rendering me unable to read my book because her elbow was on it. Some would say that’s not a problem, just pick up the book. Fair enough. This book is about 4 inches thick, and it’s no easy feat trying to mark passages in it with one hand. I figured tables were there so that people could do exactly as I was.

Her stop came along, she got up from the seat, knocking over the pot that she’d eaten from, pushing the dirty lid of the pot onto the carpeted floor and got off the train. In my opinion, that was utterly, utterly fucking disgusting. What gives anyone the right to treat public transport like that? You know, I wish I’d collected up the stuff, taken it to her and said “I think you’ve forgotten something.” It’s just dispicable. Would you do that in your own home? I’ll admit, my place ain’t great, but I’d never dream of leaving rubbish somewhere that wasn’t mine, that I wasn’t paying for the exclusive use of. Why do people think they have the right to do that?

Example Three

A Circle Line service (because the Londoner’s favourite, the Victoria Line was closed) on Saturday. There were some pretty vile people on the service in general but one of them utterly took the biscuit, or in this case, the chicken. A group of three youths got on at either Liverpool Street or Moorgate. One of them had a bag from the Tesco hot counter. It seemed to be some kind of chicken, probably wings judging by the size. Not only were they shouting across the carriage at a fourth person who was obviously part of their group but chose not to sit with them, but the one with the chicken chose to eat it with his fingers. As I was getting off a few stops later he picked a bone out of his mouth and threw it at my feet. He got the death stare and the mutter of “fuck’s sake” from me. All I got back was a blank look. As though it was completely normal to pull something out of your mouth and dump it on the floor. Nay, throw it at someone across the carriage. Yep, because everyone in London does that after dinner at home.

What happened to people being taught manners?

These people are the ones that will be the first to complain when their service is delayed due to a track fire caused by someone dumping litter on the platform. Or those services on the Victoria Line which are affected by rubbish being stuck in the overly sensitive doors.

What happened to a little common decency?

Things YOU do on public transport that piss me off – Part 1

Clarice — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 14:13:27 +0000

“This is Finsbury Park. This is the Victorial Line service calling at all stations to Brixton. Please feel free to block the aisles and doorways with your massive suitcases and even bigger arses. I hope you have a pleasant journey.”

Unfortunately, the above is not a genuine announcement, it’s merely what I wish they said. For a fair proportion of my time, this is my life. I’m crammed into the Victoria Line, along with about 1000 other people per train. All I may be doing is taking a friend to see some sights, but I’m still stuck there. I’m held there because they are regulating the service on the line. Or because some stupid cock has decided to force the doors open, which totally grounds the new Victoria Line trains to a halt, but that’s some writing for another post, not today.

We’re all in this together. So, why do so many idiots bring suitcases that are bigger than them, or three times the weight onto the tube? I can totally appreciate that the tube is the easiest way to get across London. I believe that whole heartedly, but is that a good enough reason to block the aisles or the doors with your massive suitcase? Is that a good enough reason not to move it when requested? Is that a good enough reason to block off seats, or stop people from getting off the train? Is it a genuinely good reason to block up the entire luggage area on the Piccadilly Line trains, with one single suitcase?

You see, I have Tube etiquette. Actually, no, I don’t. I just happen to have read the Railways Byelaws over, and over and over again. I let people off the train first, I don’t care if it’s a Tube train or a mainline. I don’t put my feet on the seats. Some other things are just simple courtesy, such as not putting your bags on the seat next to you. That’s the kind of shit I’m talking about here. Blocking up seats and passageways on trains with luggage. It’s just so rude, but worse than that: it’s dangerous.

What’s going to happen one day if there’s a fire on a train, but some inconsiderate passenger has left a suitcase that’s about 3′ x 2′ and weighs in at 30kgs in the aisle between the exits? The first people are going to trip over it, then those people will become injured by the others stepping on them, and eventually panic ensues where by trapped passengers are consumed by the fast rising flames. That is of course worst case scenario, but it could happen, and all because some inconsiderate bastard put their bag in the aisle.

You do realise, right, that by having one of those wheelie suitcases you have just tripled your footprint? You’ve just added 2-3 extra feet behind you that is now yours. And on the Underground, no-one can afford to not have that 2-3 feet. A little while ago I was taking the long walk to the Victoria Line at King’s Cross. I happened to clip the edge of one of these bags which was being dragged along by some old boy at half a mile per hour. I was at the front of a wave of a couple of hundred people all making our way to either the Victoria or the Piccadilly Line. When I knocked this guy’s bag with the edge of my shoe, I got the death stare from him. I failed to understand why. When he turned round he would have seen me leading the fucking Trojan Army to our chosen lines, and perhaps should have considered that the majority aren’t walking at the pace of…backwards, and walking in the middle of a tunnel where all of the signs say “KEEP LEFT” isn’t a very good idea?

I do also appreciate that a lot of people who use the Tube every day aren’t regular users, in fact it might be their only time in a year, or even a lifetime. However, TFL are amazing at pushing out information. They blow pretty much every Train Operating Company out of the water when it comes to information dissemination. There are hundreds, if not thousands of posters and signs across all stations stating things like:

Let people off the train first.
Stand on the right on the escalators.
Keep your music down.
Don’t run.
Don’t hold the doors.
Don’t leave your luggage in the way.

There is something I have noticed about people though. As soon as they get to the gateline, they seem to have lost 99% of their common sense. They don’t look where they are going. They ignore the fact it’s a public place and they might be in the way. They move slowly, even at the really busy stations. They clog up the platforms. Tube stations are actually architecturally designed so that when passengers get to “decision points”, they’ve had enough clear information before they physically get there, that they should already have made their decision. For people like me who don’t even need to walk around stations with their eyes open, they’re just pretty signs. For everyone else: THEY ARE NOT AN OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU TO STAND THERE WITH YOUR WHEELIE SUITCASE, MASSIVE HIKING BAG OR YOUR DAMN PRAM. They are not a chance for you to cause accidents at the bottom of escalators by stopping.

If you use the Tube, here’s a tip for you: never go directly behind someone with a wheelie suitcase on an escalator. They will take up at least 3 steps, and when you get to the top or bottom they will pause to get the handle on the suitcase out again and then start walking. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tripped over bags belonging to idiots who do that. And then, who gets the evil glare? Me, of course. Not an apology from the person who stopped at the bottom of the escalator at Waterloo causing a few of us behind them to faceplant the beautifully tiled floor. No, we got the evil look because we landed on their bag. I’m sure it’s because the value of their bag is higher than the value I would place on my limbs or my pretty little face.

This entire post was prompted by a recent journey on the Victoria Line where a very overweight woman who was wider than her suitcase blocked the entrance to an aisle by leaving her suitcase in front of it. Despite being asked and being looked at by fellow passengers she didn’t move and just sat clinging to the thing for her entire journey. Her pleading eyes did not make me want to help her get it off the train.

Here’s a tip for someone with a wheelie suitcase: Carry the fucking thing. And if it’s too heavy to carry, should you be where you are? Give yourself a warm and fuzzy feeling that you’ll be lowering my blood pressure.

Soundtrack to my life: Part Six

Clarice — Sat, 18 Jun 2011 09:00:20 +0000

Half way there, ladies. Half way there.

50. The Who – Baba O’Riley.

All I Can Do Is Try...

Things *YOU* do on public transport that piss me off – Part 3.

Things *YOU* do on public transport that piss me off – Part 2

Things *YOU* do on public transport that piss me off – Part 1

Soundtrack to my life: Part Six

Soundtrack to my life: Part Five

Soundtrack to my life: Part Four

Soundtrack to my life: Part Three

Soundtrack to my life: Part Two

Soundtrack to my life: Part One

*Cough* Yeah, I’m still breathing.

Things YOU do on public transport that piss me off – Part 3.

Things YOU do on public transport that piss me off – Part 2

Things YOU do on public transport that piss me off – Part 1

Cough Yeah, I’m still breathing.