Recently in Idiots Category

For a while now, I have longed to put into words my experiences of when I have to visit the Mother in Law. It is a difficult thing to do because the entire experience engenders so much anger, and almost hatred, in me. Sometimes I experience some form of enlightenment where I let it pass me by untouched. Othertimes I cannot deal with it as effectively. This time, it mostly passed me by. I wasn't even passive-aggressive, I was merely passive.

This weekend just gone, we had to visit them for a little fireworks party that occurs every year.

Let me pause here for a second. I have no problem with The Father In Law - he's cool until one of his moments when he pitches up at our house unannounced, or asks the same question for the 100th time.

I always dread this occassion. Not because The Father In Law might get his hand taken off by an errant firework. No no. Merely because she (in this post "she" will refer explicitly to the mother in law) goes out of her way to ruin everything. She puts on her most dour face and can't muster up a single fucking smile the whole time that we are there.

And it doesn't stop there. She has to ruin things even further by complaining about everything that the Father in Law is doing. She tells us that he's doing it wrong. She asks why it has to be done like that. She chastises him like a child because he got dirty - FFS, he was stoking a bonfire, what do you expect? - she practically screams at him when she notices him sitting on an item of furniture while wearing apparently dirty clothing. Everything is prefixed with "Oh my God!", or a faked scream in agony. When someone asks her if she is okay, the answer they get is normally along the lines of "Of course I'm okay". When help is offered your head is bitten off quicker than vultures can form around a corpse.

I find these 'functions' to be something that I dread attending. In fact, myself, The Boss, the Boss's brother and The Boss's Brother's Wife all agree on that count. We only attend them because we have little choice. We're made to feel guilty. In fact, I can hear her voice saying "But he's bought all of these fireworks for you to see", yet in the same breath will beat him down like a petulant toddler for 'wasting' the money. She's so...capricious. She is more than that - she is completely two-faced. She'll say one thing to one person to meet some ends, and then the complete opposite to express her true opinion.

She never listens to what you say. She'll ask if you want something, whether that be a drink or a christmas gift. You can say "no" to her a thousand times. You will still get whatever you didn't want. You can say that no, you don't want to read something about her fucking Family History - a few minutes later some 100 year old photographs, newspaper clippings and a family tree will be in your hands and she will be waxing lyrical about it. There are occassions when she says "You can say no, it's okay", and you think that you have managed to get the message through, but still a few weeks later you get that horrid shirt you never wanted. Why is "no" so very difficult an answer to take? If someone tells me that they don't want something (regardless of whether they mean that answer or not), they don't get it. No seriously means no.

Her food is horrible. On Saturday evening, we were treated to some nasty mince meat and tomato water type stuff. I thought there might be some potatoes and vegetables to go with it. There were a couple of dishes of her signature sweet potatoes and carrots in orange juice on the table. Once putting that on our plates we wondered what was next. There was still a good half of the plate completely bare. WTF? If you're inviting people around for a meal, surely you make sure that they have a nosh? I'd rather slit my wrists than eat her food most of the time. Unfortunately I have little choice. The meals are always like that - barely anything on a plate, and nothing with a single bit of taste, as well as completely overcooked. She also forces us to take home nasty food and soup that she makes, in another case of not taking no for an answer.

I didn't want to invite her to our wedding, but I had little choice. I elected to ignore her for the entire day. I don't remember her once saying congratulations, or that we looked great. In the run up to the wedding she was disgusted that my Mother was either going to wear white or black to it. Why does it matter? If we suggested something that she didn't like, she would bitch at us about it for weeks trying to make us cave in. She tried to elicit a response from us about her outfit, but I wouldn't give an opinion. It was 8 months of her trying to grind us down. Epic fail.

But the worst thing has to be her attitude towards the way other people do things. If it's not the way she would [apparently] have done it, it's wrong. An example would be that a relative in a far flung land recently had a kid, but she didn't tell anyone that she was having it. That's the first place that this person went wrong, they were branded evil for that. Then she recalled about an experience in her life that happened almost 60 years ago, and used that as the reason for this other person being evil and wrong. Of course, because it's not the way you would have done it, it's wrong. However, there is a worse sin. The child that this person had is black. Surely that's a non-issue? It doesn't bother me or The Boss, or anyone else. What the hell has skin colour got to do with anything? They're another person, and all people are created equal. You should have seen the look on her face when she told us this. We were utterly non-plussed by it, frankly it's normal, surely a time for celebration? No, of course not. She does nothing but pour scorn on the people involved, and the situation. Why? Because it's different to how she lives/lived her life, therefore it must be the epitome of evil.

There doesn't seem to be the capacity for diversity in her brain. When we go out for a meal, she does nothing but point out mistakes, or say how it is better done, because her way is the right way. She treats everyone like a child too, and has no hesitation in telling people what they should or should not wear, or picking bits off people's clothing.

I have this amazingly passive hatred for her. I cannot bear to look her in the eye for fear that she will try to suck out my soul - or worse - that I won't be able to keep my mouth shut and I will tell her what I really think of her. I cannot stand to be in the same room as her, it makes my skin crawl. I really cannot stand her existance because, over the past four and a half years she has been trying to wear us down and make us as pathetic as her. The best option is to simply ignore her. If that means not going to see her except when it is absolutely necessary, then so be it. I would rather that than having to stay my tongue.

What will it be like when she realises that neither of her children, nor their wives, are ever going to produce for her that coveted grandchild?

Do you ever get home of a day and despair about your experience at work? I've been doing that for a while now about various departments and individuals. The dudes that I work directly with are cool, in fact we are a super cool department. It's those on the outside that are retards.

For a while now, I've been doing photographs for a group of people who are making a calendar for someone that is leaving. We managed to get quite a few together. There were 3 not done. Two of them eventually were chosen from photos that they already had. The last one...well, it was supposed to be of two departments together. I waited for a month for them to get themselves together and do it. It came to yesterday and it still hadn't been done. Eventually, the woman in charge decided not to bother persuing that one and used another photo that they already had.

How freaking difficult is it to get together for 10 minutes to take a photograph? They've had a month, in fact, they've had since July to sort it out, and they're telling me that they didn't have 10 minutes to spare in four months? What a crock of shit. They're too retarded more like.

What pissed me off the most was, what I think I mentioned before, that someone from one of these departments expected me to come in on a Saturday and take photographs at their event. I don't fucking think so. Who the hell does she think she is? Was she going to pay me? Of course not. She would have expected it to be 'a favour'. It completely throws me how selfish and stupid some people here are. Or rather, how much of an over-inflated idea of their self worth.

Today I got an e-mail from someone who is getting this calendar printed, who was saying that they had uploaded some of the photos to whoever they were using print (even though I had told them to wait until I had finished tweaking them). She was complaining that one of the photos was saying that the resolution wasn't high enough for printing. She couldn't tell the difference between the images? Some are almost 4000 pixels wide, and the one of 'poor resolution' was no bigger than her hand. Can't see that there's something wrong there? Truly, can't see that? How the hell can people have a proper job if they can't see the differences between things? It's such a massive difference when you look at the two images. Honestly guys...just how did you get a job? How do you survive out in the big wide world?

That last bit there reminds me of a woman whom I know in passing. She is the wife of one of the guys that I work with. She happened to be in the room with me once when I was watching some kids outside the office have an epiphany about the LED sign that tells them which teacher is in which classroom. It was such a dumb conversation that I sat open mouthed at it. She then said to me "Do you ever wonder how they will get on in the real world?"

I choked.

This was coming from a woman whose only job was for a few months at McDonald's, and who then decided to give up working completely because she was pregnant. A woman, who, at the first sign that she might be forced to go out into the big wide world to get a job, decides to get pregnant again. She does nothing but frivolously spend her husband's money on things that they don't need, and then complains that they do not have any money. A woman who dreams up grand ideas for herself, completely forgetting she has any kids or a husband and expects him to look after two kids while working full time. A woman who saw fit to dump two children on her husband at work while she went off for hours to do something that she wanted to do. Trust me, where we work is a million miles away from being suitable for children. And, perhaps most tellingly, a woman who seems to think that she can just drop into a science degree at a university and then immediately become a teacher. Errr...your children, woman? Last I heard, she was waiting until the youngest one starts school (in about 3 years time, by which point I will be close to finishing my degree with the OU), and then she would go onto University. It's about 40 miles away...who is going to look after the kids? Her Husband goes to work early, and comes home pretty late - he can't do it, but of course she is expecting him to.

It just riles me so much that people are that retarded. That people see nothing outside of their own personal space. That they cannot see they are pissing others off. That they are so selfish when it comes to what they want to do - their family can play catch up.

There's a world outside your own head people. Get with it.

Do you ever wonder about why people do things? Of course, everyone does I am sure.

Last week I was imagining what I would say if a former colleague invited me to her wedding. At this point I had no idea that she was getting married. It was a little presumptuous of me to think that she might actually invite me. Today, The Boss tells me that this woman got engaged last week.

A little background - this woman is in her 20s (still) and was married and divorced before the age of 25. By the time I met her, she was 27 and had been in I think two "long-term" relationships since getting divorced, one of those relationships was serious enough that she bought a house with the guy. While I do realise that we shouldn't judge people on such things - we all do.

I just have to ask myself why? She's barely managed to get a relationship to last longer than a couple of years, and every few months she feels the need to bitch about her boyfriend being useless or doing things that piss her off to distraction. Will this one last? Nah. I don't think that they would even get as far as getting married.

She's the kind of person that is all about money, and regularly bitches when her boyfriend (I shan't call them Fiancé and Fiancée) cannot get work. He is some kind of builder and doesn't have permanent employment, but rather takes it as it comes. The world comes to an end every few months when he has to spend a while out of work.

And then I also have to wonder about the amount of information that people are willing to share with those that they barely know. Sometime before I moved departments, she felt the need to tell me that she'd had a pregnancy scare. Keep your legs closed, and it won't happen again? FFS. By this point, she had only been with the guy for a couple of months. It all just leaves me flabbergastered. She too selfish, immature, and poor with money to be in a serious relationship - why do some people do it to themselves? Some may say that they have it coming, I suppose.

But who are we to judge, eh? ;)

In answer to my original ponder last week: I would have said no. I couldn't bear the embarrassment.

The xBox is being collected today. Woohoo!

What Terry Waite says is correct. This isn't NIMBYism, we don't resent the airport existing.

What we do resent is Central Government telling us where and when things are going to happen. Central Government should have no say as to what happens in other counties and districts. Maybe they can suggest things, but they go further than that. If a County or District disagrees with what the Government things is right, they then try to do things by force, and that is what is happening at Stansted.

There's not a single MP or Councillor in Uttlesford who supports the expansion of Stansted. Thousands of residents oppose the expansion, even the Opposition oppose the expansion. Central Government doesn't like that - it won't make them any money. So what do Central Government do? They ignore all of opinions of the MPs, Councillors, campaign groups and residents, and they try to plough ahead with the plans anyway. In fact, Central Government try to do that with many plans for expansions such as housing developments, Eco-Towns and other Airports all across the country.

This Government does not care about the opinions of the people, merely about making money. This Government does not care about the environment. How dare a Government tell the populous to stop using their cars, wear two jumpers, not throw away so much food and recycle all of their waste, but at the same time approve plans which will destroy miles of countryside, ruin lives, and double the passenger intake at one airport, thus making the pollution far worse? Oh, that's right, one rule for the Government, a completely different one for the people.

How dare the Government prosthelyze that by expanding Stansted it will help the local economy? Where are they going to find people to work there? They aren't, because the unemployment in this area is very low, and the population quite aged. People will need to be imported from other areas of Britain, or abroad to fill the gaps. That means more houses are needed. Uttlesford have already fought numerous planning applications for more housing developments because the area cannot sustain any more people. Gatwick comfortably handles double the amount of passengers per year than Stansted does, yet there are no plans to expand it. Why's that? Could it be because Stansted is in a part of Britain that is not yet a concrete playground? It's almost as though this Labour Government do not want any part of Britain to remain as countryside. And what pisses them off the most is that people enjoy living in Uttlesford. Now, a Labour Government cannot have people enjoying their life wherever they may live.

Our esteemed Labour, Socialist, bunch-of-cunts of a Government want to destroy this district as well as the lives of the people living in it. And for what? What will they get out of it? More money. Will that money be put into sustaining what will then be left of Uttlesford? Of course not, it will go into Government Coffers to pay for more wars or further damaging developments in other areas.

The Labour Governments of Tony Blair and Gordon Brown do not and have never cared about the populous. They merely care about their own egos, legacies and lining their own pockets at whatever cost to the public.

And that's why we should all try to Stop the Stansted Expansion, and help Uttlesford fight the proposals.

1) Why is it that you do something for someone, and they don't appreciate it?
Oh yeah, that's right, you can't do anything right for anyone anymore, can you? And of course, the rest of the freaking world is too selfish to realise that you have actually done something for them. That includes a lot of time and physical work. This isn't about me, for once, it's about The Boss. If he gets pissed off, the whole department gets pissed off. Makes it fun to work in that department though.

2) There are few things that I hate more than sitting in and waiting for a serviceman to arrive
I don't mean serviceman in terms of someone in the armed forces. I mean the boiler dude. I hate the fact that they have to come and service things in the first place. While I appreciate that it's only once each year, I still hate it. I really hate to have someone enter my house, not just my house but my home, uninvited. I didn't ask this guy to come, we were told that he had to, and he's supposed to be coming today, this afternoon, in less than an hour. I will feel as though my home and my personal space has been completely invaded and violated.

3) I'm sending someone a birthday present.
Nothing big or exciting about that, right? I don't normally send them one. I'm terrible with birthdays. Christmas is fine, but Birthday? Nuh-uh, unless it's someone that I see on a regular basis then I don't normally bother. This is my Brother's girlfriend. Saying that is probably doing a disservice, more like partner. They've been together for years. I don't see either of them often, but as I bothered to send him something for his birthday, I should probably do the same for her. That's the same brother that I reference here in an entry called "The mysteries of the family". I often don't remember much of what people say to me, but one thing that his partner said to me once really stuck out in the mind. Shortly before The Boss and I got married, she said that she couldn't believe I was getting married before my Brother, and that she might have to spur him on. I realise that he is almost 16 years older than me, but he's not the marrying type. Anyway, she's getting a Fortnum and Mason hamper.

4) It's the summer, and I'm bored.
"Go out!" I will hear people say. Yeah well, the weather's been shite for that recently and today I have to wait for the boiler dude. Maybe tomorrow. Hell, I'll take the camera out. Even though today is supposed to be warmer than yesterday I feel much colder.

5) I said I'd put a picture up of the new hair. Well here it is.
I took this portrait for shits and giggles, and because I'm supposed to be photographing a number of people in a portrait fashion this week. I figured I might as well have a go at doing myself first. The hair isn't too easy to see, but the shape is all there. As usual, click for bigger.

There are a number of things about being a woman, and living in today's society that annoy me. I shall talk only about two however. This has come about because of one incident yesterday, and another just before Christmas.

The first was yesterday. I was quite happily standing on the pavement, in the rain, waiting to be picked up. A little down from me was a guy in a truck. After I had been standing there for a couple of minutes, he wound down his window, looked at me and said "Alright, Love?". As much as I wanted to tell him where to shove his fag, it made me realise a few things.

• Essex is, culturally, a million miles away from the UK mainland. (I doubt that was disputed however).


• I still look recognisably like a woman, despite a radical haircut


• There really is a disgusting invasion of personal space in today's society

What bothered me, in terms of being a woman, was that he said "Love". Ugh. That drives me mad. "Love" should be a very personal term. It is the same for me when someone calls me "Dear", "Darling", or "Mate". I'm not your Dear, Darling, or Mate. I don't know you from Adam, how dare you call me something like that? And it's not friendliness. Not at all. If someone was being friendly, they would just be polite, they wouldn't feel the need to address me in a rather crass fashion as "Love". Personal space has not been invaded by this, some may say. Alas, it has. I don't necessarily mean physical personal space, the invasion of that doesn't bother me as much. Sure, I find touchy-feely people that I am not familiar with to be rather creepy. But invading someone's personal head space is completely different. If someone gets close to you or touches you, the invasion ends when they move away. If someone invades your personal head space it doesn't go away. This leads me onto my next experience.

It was a little before Christmas and I was at the works Christmas meal. Our department drew rather a short straw and ended up with one guy on our table who we don't like so much. He could have sat with his own department, but no, he gravitated towards ours. After noshing was done he brought up the fact that I'd been married for almost a year. Great. Then he asked the mother of all questions that should never be asked..."When are you going to have children?" Dear Lord, he's lucky that he didn't get his bollocks cut off for that one. I did however tell him to fuck off. That didn't work, he kept asking.

I did eventually answer. I said "Never". Short as. I thought he might give up at this point. Oh no, the next utterance out of his ignorant mouth was "Why not? You'd make a great mother!" This is the moment where, in my mind at least, the video stops playing - someone has paused it - and I continue moving. I get up from my seat at this meal, all is silent around me and I begin to talk to the camera detailing what this moron has done wrong.

For starters he asked me when I was going to have children. You never ask that of anyone. Ever. I don't care why people don't have children, the issue that they can't is not what may bother me. It's the fact that it's hurtful to people who choose not to have any, as well as those that cannot. Why is it hurtful? Some may argue that I'm being pathetic by saying it is "hurtful". I am not. It is hurtful that there are still some people on this earth who think that we are stuck in the 1950s, and that following on from marriage all women want to have children. That all women want to be mothers and will make good ones. That all women want to do what this guy's wife does: live off his earnings and pop out a sprog every few years. No, it's alright mate, some of us are a little more enlightened than that.

I hate the presumptions that I wish to have children. I hate the little shites. Once I get my degree I'll have quite an earning potential. Why would I want to piss away my money, my time, my wellbeing on a couple of people who will, no matter what I do, resent me for some pathetic reason which I cannot remedy? And the presumption that I would be a "good mother". Is anyone truly a good mother? I could pick many faults with my Mother in Law, and probably just as many with my own Mother. I will not deny that I resented my Father for many years. And, you cannot have it all - you are either a parent and you give your all to that, or you take your job over your children. My parents, both of them, did the latter. I spent five years in therapy as a teenager, mainly over the resentment towards both of my parents and mostly about my Father missing the majority of my Christmasses and Birthdays until I was 15. By the point that your teenager is in therapy it's too late, the damage is done, and part of them will always resent you.

My friend, and former colleague butted in at this point and said that I would make a terrible mother. I had to concur. She is completely right. I don't argue with The Boss - I don't want to put anything into our marriage that might cause arguments. Children would do exactly that. I'm far too lazy to have children. I'm far more interested in the amount of money we can earn, save, and then use in our preferred manner, to have children. Women are beyond that now, but some men don't seem to think so. Women protested, and in fact died, so that women in the future did not have to be chained to the kitchen and wiping children's arses while living off the earnings of their husband. They died so that we could get an education, follow our dreams and aspirations and prove ourselves. But prove ourselves to no-one other than ourselves.

By asking when I will have children, it is an invasion of my personal head space, and like I detailed before, you cannot get rid of that. Seven months after the incident I am still thinking about it, and it still stirs a certain amount of anger in me. Not only the personal space issue, but the guy probably couldn't tell me my first name, how dare he ask such a personal question?

For a little more rage in response all he needed to have added to the end of that question was "Love".
"So, when are you going to have children, Love?"

I feel as though I have been waiting for summer for absolutely ages. I do not exaggerate that either. It feels longer than at any period of my life. The winter felt as though it dragged on for years, and not because it was still cold and snowing in April - it felt as though it had been going on for three years by the time we got to December. And then, a couple of days ago I noticed that summer is pretty much here. Good stuff. The academic year ends in five weeks time, meaning summer will be over before we know it, and it will be back to Autumn and winter again. What a depressing thought.

And this week at work has just been an utter shower of bastards. Yesterday we had some stupid woman bitching and wanting us to buy her a new colour laser printer because the one she currently uses is going to be moved downstairs. Fuck off. What's so fucking difficult about walking down one flight of stairs? It's "not practical" apparently - what a load of bull - she's just a lazy fucker.

Today was an absolute corker with one of the questions I had. The morning was fairly alright, had a meeting about a website I'm making someone, that was cool, easy, simple, good stuff. Then later in the morning I answered the telephone. The stupid whiney woman on the end wanted to know how to select multiple messages in Outlook Express all in one go. I told her how to do it using the shift key. Her response to this was "What's the shift key?" And then, "I don't have a shift key". Yes you do love, it's underneath the return key, you know, the enter button? Fucking hell.

What is it this week? Retards' day out?

Yesterday I mentioned that I was going to be upgrading SQL Server to the 2005 edition. Sounds spunky, right? Well it wasn't.

Yesterday, I spent four and a half hours, yes you read that correctly, slightly more than my entire working day, four and a half hours upgrading four machines to SQL Server 2005. The documentation said it should take approximately 10 minutes to half an hour to do each machine. Did it bollocks.

Well today, it gets even better! I spent four and a half hours, slightly more than my entire working day trying to upgrade ONE machine to SQL Server 2005. Yes, you read that correctly, one fucking machine. Why?

When I first started, I couldn't do it because it needed the Windows Installer 3.1 redistribute. Okay, that's cool, only takes a few minutes to install - off we go. That's done, now let us start the upgrade again. We start. It chunders through a number of the steps, and then it gets about half way and comes to a grinding halt. Why? "Oh, I can't do this! You don't have Service Pack 2 installed! I'm going to pitch a hissy fit like the arse-fucking, benderising, gay heap of shit software that I am".

Okay. I install service pack two. That takes a while. And, all this time I'm getting stuck into the latest novel that I have chosen.

I attempt to install for the third time. It gets half way through, and I go past the slight warning messages that the documentation tells me to ignore. It almost begins the install...then this message pops up:
"Oh! Can't install! Not enough space! Make more!"

I call the boss, he pops over with with a CD to repartition the drive, and he is there for about an hour. Once that is done, I am able to carry on with the install. My fourth attempt is successful. Then I have to do Service Pack 2. For SQL Server 2005 that is. That takes far longer than it had on the other machines. It's all done. Thank fuck. Finally. However, the software does not work, but it didn't when I arrived. End of, I leave, I've really had enough. I am seethingly angry, that what should have taken one day is now going to take three, as I have to do another machine on Monday.

What fucks me off the most though, is the company that created the god forsaken software that required this upgrade. Every few months they pop up and try to extort another few thousand pounds out of us because we need to be upgraded, or something "essential" has to be done. The reason for this spate of upgrades of SQL Server on individual machines is because they are upgrading the main server for their software at our site.

So, these ridiculously stupid bastards force one of our departments to shell out thousands of pounds because they MUST HAVE these particular machines to run their software. That is an absolute crock of shit. I can build better PCs that run faster, for longer and cost just a fraction of what they charged. Same for the server. But no, because they are a bunch of money grabbing bastards with a combined IQ of 7, without their machines, we could not have the software.

What pisses me off a lot is that next week when they "upgrade" our server, they do it remotely, and they spend a few minutes doing it. Wonderful. I JUST WASTED 8 FUCKING HOURS OF MY FUCKING TIME DOING WHAT THEY SHOULD FUCKING WELL BE DOING. But no, they couldn't send someone in to do this kind of thing? Oh no. Anything lasting more than a few minutes has to be done in house by the IT department. Oh do fuck off. I get the feeling that this will work out to be the biggest waste of my time. Ever.

And you see, I'm not afraid to name this company. They are called WCBS. They make shit software. They are a bunch of idiots who have no concept of writing software that is actually usable. Nor could they wait until later this year when SQL Server 2008 will be out. No doubt I will be doing the same fucked up thing again in a few months time.

And next week, while they're all going about their days doing whatever they normally do, I will still be sat there at yet another machine, wasting yet more hours of my life because their shit-heap of a piece of software requires some ridiculous update. And if I don't do it, they won't do the upgrade to the server. I'm tempted to offer to do the fucking server upgrade myself. And then of course, charge my 12 hours to them.

I hate cock-juggling thunder cunts.